“But she looks happy?”

“Show me where you did it” I was nervous to respond as my sweet husband was sitting next to me. I know it hurts him. It hurts me knowing that he hurts with me. I turned my arms over and stared at my psychiatrist, embarrassed And ashamed. “How often do you get these thoughts” -it’s less now, maybe a few times a week. It’s not everyday anymore. “Do you have a specific plan of how you would take your life?“- no...I don’t get that far. “What do you think about that prevents you from goin further?” - Him.....and my kids. I love them.... . “...umm, last week she had an episode, at night, she was awake, but she began crying and screaming HELP ME!!” And it scared me to see her staring at me so scared” “She definitely associates night time, with scarring memories. She can be triggered at any time, mostly at night. Give her grace and keep doing what you are doing to help her” . That is a glimpse of what a session sounds like with a psychiatrist when you are battling PTSD, depression and anxiety. That is a glimpse of my session.... on August 19, 2018. . It’s extremely hard to open up to anyone about what is going on in your mind. This past year, I’ve been doing just that. This past year I finally agreed to seek help after years of fighting a suffering alone. The only problem with finally wanting to get stronger mentally is, in order to conquer your demons, you have to face them. And for me, facing my demons meant, living every single nightmare over again. And it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. . I’ll be blunt, night time for me sucks, BUT it is slowly getting better with the medication. Every door in my room needs to be closed. I get anxiety just seeing my husband fall asleep before me because I know the fear will kick in any minute. Instantly whenever I fall asleep maybe 3-4 sometimes 4-5 nights a week, I am put into a nightmare. Usually the same ones, but different scenarios. What happens in these nightmares? (If you have a week stomach, skip to the next paragraph. ) I am being raped or abused or tortured. If it’s not about that, I am being killed or someone or something is trying to kill me. Every time I get a nightmare I wake up several times and do not want to go back asleep. Because of course when you fall back asleep, what happens? Yup, you go back into that same nightmare. What is strange for me is. When I wake up, I can remember details of what happened, and can think about “what to do next”. For example, if I am being raped. I think about where I am and what is around me in the dream, and I plan what I should do next to try to get away. Then I fall back asleep and in my dream, I remember my plan and I use it. (Crazy right?) . Now, doesn’t that sound exhausting? Who the heck would want to deal with that every night? . Along with the nightmares, I deal with reality. And by that I mean, “depression, PTSD and anxiety. Some people think that when someone goes through something when they were younger or that was a long time ago, they just forget about it. Like the memory fades, the feelings fade. Everything just slowly goes away. .. NOPE , sorry, it doesn’t. . Daily, for no reason, sometimes at home or when I’m out, sometimes in the worst time, my brain says “hey look , what does this remind you of!?” And I am reminded of when I was sexually abused, or when I went through domestic violence. And when I get a memory that I DID NOT ASK FOR, my body responds as to if it were or would be happening again. I begin to sweat or get clammy, my heart begins to beat faster and I get “stuck” or quiet and do not talk. . My husband now, can see it happening before it even happens. He can look at me and now knows, “ok she’s getting sucked in” and he acts quick to help me get out. He says “ hey.. hey, look at me, what do you see? Look at me, I’m here. Tell me your name. Remember when we were at the beach? What was your favorite part about that day?” . He is good at making my brain pay attention to him and his voice and he is able to get me to get out of the bad memory. ( super thankful for him” On good days , I can focus on him and come back. But on bad days, I cannot hear him, I can’t see him, fear takes over and I begin crying, scream, my chest begins to hurt and breathing gets hard. Now, would you even think that I went through that by just looking at me? Probably not. . That’s the problem with depression, you can’t see it. It’s exhausting and you just want it to stop. You are tired every single day. Your mind does not take a break. And that is what leads to suicide. You feel defeated. You feel useless and you feel like there is no better option than to take matters into your own hands and end all of the pain you are going through. Everyone battles it differently. Different stories, different scenarios and sometimes different outcomes. And it’s heart breaking. . I feel like I am at a point right now where I am okay to talk about. I feel like I’m not in a dark hole anymore but I’m climbing out. Do the suicidal thoughts still come? Well do you think satan takes a day off? Of course not. Of course I get those thoughts. Of course I deal with certain things that nobody wants to hear or talk about. But what good is it if people with depression stay quiet? What good is it for people to say “ oh my gosh! You do that? You’re one of those people?” And make us feel dumb, and even more shitty than we already feel? If people were more open to actually love on someone with depression instead of judge or say “ you’ll be okay” then we could save more lives! We know we are messed up. We know we are “weird” for feeling sad every single day. We don’t need to be reminded. We don’t want to hear anything except “you’re not alone. I love you. Let me love you”

. Debbie, Heidi, Ali, you have helped save me. Whether it was getting someone at church to help me, encouraging me to speak up, or allowing me to open up about all the crap and go through or do. you played a role in this chapter that I will never forget. . Matt, gosh you are so damn amazing. I can never repay you for being there for me through this long road. You have my heart and you remind me how precious my life is. I love you. . Jim, your tough love does work. Love you. . My boys, I am sorry I am broken. I’m sorry some days my depression shows and you have to wipe my tears. You are why I am still here. You are the best gift I was ever given. For you boys, I won’t give up. Mommy isn’t going anywhere, I love you. . Mom and dad, I miss you. It’s sucks being on this earth with no parents... but I can’t leave just yet.