“But she looks happy?”

“Show me where you did it” I was nervous to respond as my sweet husband was sitting next to me. I know it hurts him. It hurts me knowing that he hurts with me. I turned my arms over and stared at my psychiatrist, embarrassed And ashamed. “How often do you get these thoughts” -it’s less now, maybe a few times a week. It’s not everyday anymore. “Do you have a specific plan of how you would take your life?“- no...I don’t get that far. “What do you think about that prevents you from goin further?” - Him.....and my kids. I love them.... . “...umm, last week she had an episode, at night, she was awake, but she began crying and screaming HELP ME!!” And it scared me to see her staring at me so scared” “She definitely associates night time, with scarring memories. She can be triggered at any time, mostly at night. Give her grace and keep doing what you are doing to help her” . That is a glimpse of what a session sounds like with a psychiatrist when you are battling PTSD, depression and anxiety. That is a glimpse of my session.... on August 19, 2018. . It’s extremely hard to open up to anyone about what is going on in your mind. This past year, I’ve been doing just that. This past year I finally agreed to seek help after years of fighting a suffering alone. The only problem with finally wanting to get stronger mentally is, in order to conquer your demons, you have to face them. And for me, facing my demons meant, living every single nightmare over again. And it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. . I’ll be blunt, night time for me sucks, BUT it is slowly getting better with the medication. Every door in my room needs to be closed. I get anxiety just seeing my husband fall asleep before me because I know the fear will kick in any minute. Instantly whenever I fall asleep maybe 3-4 sometimes 4-5 nights a week, I am put into a nightmare. Usually the same ones, but different scenarios. What happens in these nightmares? (If you have a week stomach, skip to the next paragraph. ) I am being raped or abused or tortured. If it’s not about that, I am being killed or someone or something is trying to kill me. Every time I get a nightmare I wake up several times and do not want to go back asleep. Because of course when you fall back asleep, what happens? Yup, you go back into that same nightmare. What is strange for me is. When I wake up, I can remember details of what happened, and can think about “what to do next”. For example, if I am being raped. I think about where I am and what is around me in the dream, and I plan what I should do next to try to get away. Then I fall back asleep and in my dream, I remember my plan and I use it. (Crazy right?) . Now, doesn’t that sound exhausting? Who the heck would want to deal with that every night? . Along with the nightmares, I deal with reality. And by that I mean, “depression, PTSD and anxiety. Some people think that when someone goes through something when they were younger or that was a long time ago, they just forget about it. Like the memory fades, the feelings fade. Everything just slowly goes away. .. NOPE , sorry, it doesn’t. . Daily, for no reason, sometimes at home or when I’m out, sometimes in the worst time, my brain says “hey look , what does this remind you of!?” And I am reminded of when I was sexually abused, or when I went through domestic violence. And when I get a memory that I DID NOT ASK FOR, my body responds as to if it were or would be happening again. I begin to sweat or get clammy, my heart begins to beat faster and I get “stuck” or quiet and do not talk. . My husband now, can see it happening before it even happens. He can look at me and now knows, “ok she’s getting sucked in” and he acts quick to help me get out. He says “ hey.. hey, look at me, what do you see? Look at me, I’m here. Tell me your name. Remember when we were at the beach? What was your favorite part about that day?” . He is good at making my brain pay attention to him and his voice and he is able to get me to get out of the bad memory. ( super thankful for him” On good days , I can focus on him and come back. But on bad days, I cannot hear him, I can’t see him, fear takes over and I begin crying, scream, my chest begins to hurt and breathing gets hard. Now, would you even think that I went through that by just looking at me? Probably not. . That’s the problem with depression, you can’t see it. It’s exhausting and you just want it to stop. You are tired every single day. Your mind does not take a break. And that is what leads to suicide. You feel defeated. You feel useless and you feel like there is no better option than to take matters into your own hands and end all of the pain you are going through. Everyone battles it differently. Different stories, different scenarios and sometimes different outcomes. And it’s heart breaking. . I feel like I am at a point right now where I am okay to talk about. I feel like I’m not in a dark hole anymore but I’m climbing out. Do the suicidal thoughts still come? Well do you think satan takes a day off? Of course not. Of course I get those thoughts. Of course I deal with certain things that nobody wants to hear or talk about. But what good is it if people with depression stay quiet? What good is it for people to say “ oh my gosh! You do that? You’re one of those people?” And make us feel dumb, and even more shitty than we already feel? If people were more open to actually love on someone with depression instead of judge or say “ you’ll be okay” then we could save more lives! We know we are messed up. We know we are “weird” for feeling sad every single day. We don’t need to be reminded. We don’t want to hear anything except “you’re not alone. I love you. Let me love you”

. Debbie, Heidi, Ali, you have helped save me. Whether it was getting someone at church to help me, encouraging me to speak up, or allowing me to open up about all the crap and go through or do. you played a role in this chapter that I will never forget. . Matt, gosh you are so damn amazing. I can never repay you for being there for me through this long road. You have my heart and you remind me how precious my life is. I love you. . Jim, your tough love does work. Love you. . My boys, I am sorry I am broken. I’m sorry some days my depression shows and you have to wipe my tears. You are why I am still here. You are the best gift I was ever given. For you boys, I won’t give up. Mommy isn’t going anywhere, I love you. . Mom and dad, I miss you. It’s sucks being on this earth with no parents... but I can’t leave just yet.

The ugly truth

You always know how to find me. How to take my smile and slap on a fake one. You come back to me over and over again as if we're friends. Trampling in to my every day life, un-invited, you slowly pick me apart. As a stare at my son you are right there next to me, wearing my smile as i wipe the tears off my face. I ask for my smile back but you put it in your pocket and whisper that you'll save it for later. You enjoy watching me suffer. As I stare into darkness every night, begging God to be with me, you lay next to me, starring at me with that same old grin, knowing i will wake up the same tomorrow. You feed me my daily dose of lies as soon as I wake up, as you know i will overanalyze every aspect of my life. It's not me that doesn't want to answer the phone, it's you. You want me all to yourself. To keep me in this tiny bubble, afraid of what will happen next. Afraid of everything. Well I just want to tell you that I am done being afraid. Im done sleeping on a wet pillow. I done listening to you. You've done enough to me. There is nothing left to take. Dear depression, I hate you.

But he said he's sorry!!

"But he told me he loves me! He said he was sorry and that he will never do it again!" Is that a phrase you have told yourself. And do we believe it?... Of course we do. Why? I would tell you if I knew. I am here to speak directly to the woman and teens who are reading my blog's...that picture is me in 2009, Christmas eve...but that's not how he started....he never hit me because he "loved" me. He was loving, caring, sweet, perfect?.... When he hits you the first time its an accident.....right? ...wrong. He says it is. It doesn't start off so bad does it? A punch to the leg, or to the arm, cuz he says he would never hit you in the face....but of course, you stay only to find out he lied. So why then after do we stay? The rush of feelings of emotions go racing through your body as you watch him cry and apologize...you believe it. The words I LOVE YOU are so powerful, sometimes that all we need to hear...but I am here to tell you, NO MAN that puts his hands on you loves you! But he's different you say? He's changed? No. He hasnt. Once he hits you for the first time and you stay with him, he now knows that all he has to say are those 3 magic words and you aren't going anywhere. Ladies is this what God wants for you? Every tear you shed, He is right next to you crying with you. Your pain is His pain. You don't deserve to be tossed around or beat or yelled at or cursed at, there is a man in this world who is waiting for you to LOVE you to treat you like his prize! Don't settle for what you think love is. not words but actions should be your guide. Your gold...remember that. Your beautiful. You were created slowly and perfectly. Don't let one guy take away from what God has planned for you....go stare at that picture up there ^ . That was on a good day...when he wasnt too mad...is your life worth more?....

satans mission to bring me down

I'm back after not posting for months. I have received so many emails regarding my blog "Survivor" and I want to thank everyone for their sweet words. I guess what brought me back today is that panic attacks I have been encountering. It feels like a horrible nightmare that I am not able to wake up from. So much has happend these past few months, good and sad. I Lost the only father figure I had, my grandpa. I miss him so much and things have become more difficult in my life.On the contrary the man I fell in love with, asked me to marry him! :) yay! I am extremely excited! but as much as the Lord enjoys seeing us happy, satan just wants to see us miserable. The attacks I have allow me to go back to the dark place I was a few years ago, making my mind believe I am reliving a past memory.It's so scary that I do not feel like myself. I wanted to use this blog to allow my followers to email me YOUR advice. whether you yourself have experienced this or know someone who has. The affect it has had in my head causes me to have horrible migraines in which my doctor proscribed " Propanolol" but I do not like taking this medication. The only thing I have found that has helped me is, improving my relationship with God. Staying in His word allows the fear and pain to disappear. I'm just feeling so off today. Give me your thoughts in my inbox. -Julie

How do you control your feelings?

Today unlike the rest i have felt like an emotional roller coaster. Happy, sad, bummed, irritated, mad, alone. I feel like the more i want to better my life the more satan attacks me to the point where i want to break. Its things that are not important to some people but important to me. Im at the point in my life where i want to live on fire for Christ. I want my life to reflect Him. But why is it so hard? I feel like i need to do things that might make me lose some people i know. Other than those feelings my kids birthday party is coming up. 3 and 4... i still cant believe how fast they are growing. I still sit down sometimes and stare at them in awe, and thank God for these two boys. Especially danny. fighting cancer. It hurts to watch but at the same time i am so proud. Again, the mixed emotions. I need to learn to give my troubles to God and stop thinking so hard on them. It really gets the best of me...

Take a risk!

Now more than ever I feel so intrigued and alive! The past few years I've had what I wouldn't call dreams, but thoughts. Thoughts of taking my past experiences and using it to help other girls and woman who may be going through the same thing or something similar. I've always thought of doing that when I was older...but why? Why wait when the time is now. Woman need help now! Not in a few years. I feel like God wants me to stop thinkin about it and do it! I want to let these girls know that they are not alone. That they are loved by their Father and King. Just thinkin about how I use to feel and knowing that their are girls right now crying, hiding in fear. And most girls (like me) don't want to go talk to a psychologist because of the embarrassment. So why should I not form a group for my city and cities around me for woman just like me, to talk and discuss about our past and how we will fight through it with God! I don't know how I'm going to start this group or what God has in store but I do know that if I put all my faith and worries in Him, He is going to work through me so I can share His word to His daughters who need Him. It's time to take a risk and not let my emotions and pride hold me back! I don't want to wait anymore! Put your negative thoughts and fears aside and let your light shine! We may not be able to change the world but we can do our part to make a change IN the world!

Forgiveness and the joy it brings.

As a Christian you are called to forgive. No matter what the circumstance may be. The answer? Forgive them. As hard as it may be there is no point in holding on to an anger that just eats you alive. Satan wants you to be upset and hurt and angry. He feeds off all of those negative emotions you carry and it makes him happy. So why would you want to please someone who hates you? It's too hard right? Yea. It's extremely difficult to forgive someone who has hurt you in such a way that it changed your life, forever. I know this because I have been through it. Today a man who hurt me so much when I was younger asked me to forgive him. As the tears ran down my face the words "I forgive you" slipped out of my mouth like water. In doing so, I now feel free. Free of the pain and anger that I kept inside for so many years. I find comfort in my God. I find my happiness in my strength and faith. His love for me will never fade. Today I step out of the darkness into a bright light with a smile. The feeling of sadness that no one cared or believed me is gone. God saw everything. God let it happen because He had a plan for my life. Never look at the negativity in your life as a punishment from God. It is all from Satan and God will allow it to happen so that you find peace and comfort in Him. In the end, you have a testimony to share. One that can comfort others and possibly save someone from drowning in negativity. Let YOUR life save ANOTHER life.